So, it has been a moment since I last posted. A long moment actually. A while back I looked over my draft posts and the first thought I had was, “how sad”.
How sad! You see, if you have been following my story you know I lost the love of my life three years ago. I cannot change the past three years. I cannot change what lead me and my children to this moment. I cannot continue to live a life where I constantly thought, “I wonder what we would be doing today if Eric was here?”, because that is exactly what I was doing. I was struggling, my kids continued to struggle, and the struggle was drowning me.
I wasn’t living and because I wasn’t living my kids weren’t either. I was going through the motions doing the same routine. Wake up. Get the kids up for school/daycare. Go to work. Get lunch. Get off work. Pick the kids up. Feed the kids whatever they wanted for dinner (usually fast-food), and wait for bedtime. If we were invited somewhere we very rarely went. I was becoming a hermit and forcing my kids to be hermits too. Someone who is walking this same journey completely understands. When you lose the love of your life you have no idea how to function, breathe, or simply live.
So, what is the feeling of change I am speaking about. Well, for me. It is a feeling of wanting to get up and go. Get up and do something! I didn’t know what I wanted to do but I had an energy stirring inside of me I couldn’t be still. Now, for some this feeling may not be strong but for me it was POWERFUL!
The next change I noticed were the trigger dates. Now, by trigger dates I mean dates like Eric’s passing date, our anniversary, or any date that passed (or was approaching) that a couple marks as a celebration those, for me, are trigger dates. I realized that I wasn’t sitting on the couch praying my kids didn’t need me for anything so I could cry. I recognized the date for what it was and my day went on. WHOA! This feeling was new and I was not sure what was going on. Then I noticed that when memories would surface or special songs would play on the radio I didn’t avoid them. I allowed the memory to play out and I listened to the entire song. Was this me taking another step and now accepting this life I am now living?
Some may think, “oh, she has moved on and is over it”. Well, first and foremost – you never move on and you never get over it. But, what you do is learn to live differently. I have learned that yes, the world did continue to spin when I thought it had stopped. I learned that life did go on for others – and it went on for me to – I just needed to catch up to it.
So, does this mean I am now living in perfect harmony? Do I now live without days of grief, sadness, or not worry about triggers? Are the days of fighting with my children over? NO, not at all.
But, what it does mean is I confirmed that I am human. I feel, I cry, I laugh, I remember, and most importantly my kids and I are living.